THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams ..
If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
' ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Br ian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
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'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can! ~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went: 'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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I believe there is a good lesson here from Tony Moscicki.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5 Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
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source

http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
December 2007 - Week 3